What is it with princesses and getting kidnapped? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think they enjoy getting snatched up by the baddies and tied to something rigid for half the game. Video game princesses must all have daddy issues. Right from the beginning of The Legend of Kage the princess is gallivanting about in the magical forest of Japanese redwoods, practically begging to get abducted, when BAM! She gets noob scooped away by a passing member of the Blue Man Group. As the title suggests the player must now leap into the protagonist shoes of the Beatlejuice-sock-wearing girly man Kage, the ninja, as he dismounts his tree branch and sprints into battle! Ready to save his woman!
What baffles me in games like this is how many enemies just appear out of nowhere. It’s like a suicide booth in New New York. They just line up to get frappéd into bright red slurpies by the hand of the hero. What’s even better is Kage has all the same weapons as the derps that are after him: A sword and shurikens. But he can use them. Besides the hightend level of skill, there are various scattered power-ups that appear when you do something special. When you kill a number of enemies, they poop out the little methamphetamine pills Pac-Man loves so much. They just change your chromatic scheme, engorge your throwing stars and give you body armor. Every once in a while little legged spam sandwiches walk across the top quarter of the screen that you can snatch up like a reverse falcon and masticate on like a thing that masticates.
Today I write about a game whose main character is the ADHD offspring of the Tazmanian Devil and his cousin (We have laws to protect against this, people). Crash Bandicoot is lovable with a passion for apples, hurricane-fast pirouettes, and his blonde girlfriend / younger sister / “It’s totally platonic, I swear!!!” female character Coco Bandicoot. He also has a tribal, Jim Carrey’s The Mask-ish friend named Aku-Aku that acts like a meat (er – wood) shield for damage. The three are flung into a compelling adventure when a satellite crashes into an island freeing Aku-Aku’s evil counterpart Uka -Uka, who uses this time travel thing… yada yada yada, destroy the world, insert evil laugh. You know the drill. Crash and gang have to get crystals across time to stop the oncoming nastiness. Somehow the original villain Doctor Neo Cortex has been Alien-style face suckered into being Uka-Uka’s bitch. It’s chaotic, funny, and exciting. It’s Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped!
Imagine a serpentine, pink tongue adhering itself to your face. It then slurps you into the fluffy interior of a saddled dinosaur with army boots, only for you to be explosively expelled out it’s tail end encased in a frightfully cramped polkadot shell. From here you would be weilded as a hand grenade to scramble your best friends into oblivion. (pardon the pun, it was a horrible yolk.) This is basic egg-making protocol. Because of this I truly pity the Shy Guy when I use him as butt cannon fodder in Retrospection Game #1: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island… Read the rest of this entry