IMHO: I’m just not that into football

“IMHO” is a new feature to In these editorials, the staff writes its opinions based on previously published articles and information. As an editorial, these are NOT meant to be news, but rather opinion.

2012 Super Bowl XLVI IndianapolisI’ve seen one professional football game. It was the Colts against the Dolphins, sometime in the mid- to late-nineties. I remember at the time, Dan Marino broke some record for passing, even though the Dolphins lost.

As a teen in the Nineties, I lived by one rule: Go against the grain. If the majority was doing something, I did the other thing. It’s one of the few parts of my childhood that I am still sympathetic to. I may not always be against the mainstream, but I am a fan of people who are.

Dan Marino, Miami Dolphins former quarterback

Dan Marino, Miami Dolphins former quarterback

Since we were in Indianapolis, 90% of the audience wore the baby blue of the Colts. Therefore, I naturally became a die-hard Dolphins fan.

Well, as die-hard as a person who doesn’t care about sports can be!

When people ask me what my favorite team is, I answer the Dolphins, knowing nothing about the players, the coaches, or the team’s record.

So when you ask me who I’m rooting for in today’s Super Bowl, I give you the answer that never fails: The Ball. Unfortunately, people stopped letting me bet on the Ball.

Still, despite not caring about either team, I will watch the Big Game for the same two reasons everyone watches the game.

The Commercials

Each year, the network that draws the Super Bowl secures enough money to give everyone on their management team major Christmas bonuses in mid-February (see what I did there?). Pricing air time at millions of dollars per second, no other time of year costs as much money to advertise a project.

And if the air-time price isn’t enough, companies pump nearly twice as much money for each second of production. What we get are 30-second ads costing as much money as a motion picture.

As a kid, nothing was better than the Budweiser Frogs. Then, the Wazzup ads invaded, took over mainstream culture through the late-nineties (until Milhouse killed it).

We’ve seen the dot-com craze level out with Go Daddy remaining as one of the few dot coms with major Super Bowl ads. And most recently, Doritos has taken the throne of best ads with user-created content.

With any luck, this year’s game will see primarily humorous commercials. Nothing ruins the Big Game like a Patriot Act PSA telling me that buying marijuana leads to terrorist actions.

No matter how the game goes, audiences know that the commercials will be great. Unfortunately, my other favorite part of the Super Bowl has fallen on bad times.

The Halftime Show

The most interesting thing to happen to the Super Bowl’s Halftime Show in the past 20 years was spontaneous nudity. (Sorry, kids. I may be pro-language, but I’m not going to show you Janet Jackson’s nipple. Let Google do that for you, not that I condone that kind of behavior.)

Black Eyed Peas

Black Eyed Peas

While the Black Eyed Peas played a rad Tron: Legacy-themed show, the producers of the Halftime Show still don’t understand how to make live performances sound good on the TV.

In the past ten years, BEP and The Who have been the only bands to put on an exciting show with solid music. Whether it’s U2 playing a “tribute” to 9/11 by playing songs about starving children in Africa or Tom Petty, the theme of the show never seems to fit with the actual game.

This year’s theme is the new film W.E., starring Madonna. As such Madonna will perform with artists such as MIA, Cee Lo Green, and LMFAO. And I just don’t care.

Arguably, the best Halftime Show performances have been from classic-rock bands playing solo, but audiences don’t care about Bruce Springsteen, Prince, or the Rolling Stones like they did in the past.

If I have to listen to a top-forty band that I don’t care about, the least the Halftime Show producers could do is make it a concert, rather than some theme-based promotional gimmick.

What Would Make Me a Football Fan

As I think about why I watch the Super Bowl, none of it has to do with the actual game. Therefore, it’s time to predict how today’s big game will go, based on what would draw my attention to the sport.


Star of gay porn. Star of American Gladiator.

After a boring and uneventful half between the Giants and the Patriots (ending 14-14), Madonna will play the show in nearly see-through white spandex. I’ll get bored, drink two beers, and begin drifting off.

During the third quarter, while the Patriots are lined up for a drive, refs will begin whistling off screen. The announcers will say, “Oh, my god!” And both teams will start looking down the field.

While you think a streaker is running across the field, the camera switches. To your horror, a third team has charged onto the field. The cameras zoom into the rogue players to show a team filled with WWE wrestlers!

The wrestlers will suplex both teams and run the ball up and down the field until they have “scored” more points than either team. Then, Hulk Hogan (the coach) will steal a mic from a ref and announce the formation of the WWE football league, a far more violent version of XFL.

While all this sounds exciting, the other teams will be stocked with ex-porn stars, much like the new American Gladiator was. When TMZ announces that the quarterback of the most popular WWE football team took it up the butt, America will lose interest in the all-entertainment football league, forcing it to shut down mid-season.

Final Word

Football just isn’t my bag.

Posted on February 5, 2012, in IMHO and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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