Achievement Unlocked: Poop Taken

Everybody has a ritual for when he or she is on the pot.  Some people read the dictionary or a magazine and others pass the time posting their facebook status.  I recently realized that I’ve accomplished a lot “dropping the Browns off at the Superbowl”…  so here’s a list of my achievements:

Final Fantasy II (Japan IV)

As a cheap college student, I have never been up to date on cell phone technology.  My T-mobile G1 has been my phone for the past 3 years  It’s qwerty keyboard and Android OS provide a good emulating device.  This is the portable that I’ve used on the portable to complete a good share of retro gaming titles.  The first game I played on the SNES emulator is Final Fantasy II.

final fantasy II

Arguably one of the best titles in the franchise, Final Fantasy II kept me busy for months, not because it’s a massive game, but  because the only place I played was at the aforementioned locale.

Final Fantasy II follows Cecil the Knight.  As an emissary to the empire, Cecil is sent on an ethically questionable mission to steal a crystal of power.  Cecil soon learns of the King’s evil motives and dissents from the kingdom.  But like every FF title, the story is much deeper.  The evil Zumez seeks to destroy the human race, allowing his people to reside on the blue planet.  He needs the crystals of power to activate a giant robot to annihilate the humans.  Of course Cecil’s not gonna let that happen and recruits some of the most memorable characters in the series: Kain the dragoon, Rosa the white mage, Rydia the summoner, Yang, and many others, each with their specific class abilities.

final fantasy ii

Final Fantasy 4... 2... same thing.

Although this title is not my favorite in the franchise, it tells a remarkable story and is certainly in my top 5.  The game received a face lift on the Nintendo DS and was released on the PSP with some killer additions.

Final Fantasy III (Japan VI)


Just look at those 16-bit eyebrows. You know he's plotting evil.

Nothing is more stressful than taking a number 2 while trying to take down the number 1 boss in the Final Fantasy franchise.  Final Fantasy III is known for introducing gamers to one of the most sinister bad guys in the RPG’s history: Kefka.  Kefka’s madness holds strong even by today’s standards.  As the antagonist in Final Fantasy III, Kefka desires control of Magic obtained by draining mystical Espers.  He performed risky experiments on himself that drove him insane.  Eventually, he obtains godlike powers and deems all life meaningless.  That’s a whole lotta evil packed into a 16-bit sprite.

Final Fantasy III’s replay value holds strong today.  For example, III is a lot easier to jump back into than VII; there’s something charming about 16-bit classics that makes it easier to play than the popeye models in Final Fantasy VII.  It boasts a fantastic story, cast, and gameplay system, as well as having tons of content and characters to discover.



An adorable iteration of an RPG, Earthbound captures the world of 10 year-olds in an entertaining adventure where they are the heroes.  When a meteor crashes near the peaceful town of Onett, strange things start happening, and the adults in town don’t seem to key in to the gravity of the situation.  An alien bee who arrived via said meteor instructs Ness that an evil being from the future named Giygas has become too powerful to defeat, so he must be defeated in the past/present…  Ness joins up with his friends to take him down.

Earthbound’s humor centers around adults being irresponsible in the face of an impending apocalypse.  As an example, see these quotes:

  • “Ah, I see…Well, it doesn’t make me happy, but I understand your point about the fate of the world being at stake.” –Ness’ Dad, (if you refuse to agree to his suggestion to stop playing)
  • “Since you left home on your journey, things have changed around here. For example, I don’t have as much laundry.” –Ness’ Mom
  • “Don’t panic! It’s just a…what?!…meteorite that…who?!…fell. I just wanna…what!?…go home!!”Onett Cop
  • “A meteorite has landed, the Sharks are running wild in town, you kids are wandering around, and, I’m hungry…I hate my job!”Onett Cop

The game is surprisingly Americanized, coming from a Japanese developer.  The story is linear, but the game allows you to visit previous towns as the game progresses.  It is also refreshingly humorous for a title of its time.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

link to the past

It’s sad that I was deprived of this title as a child because it was one of the greatest games of that generation.  The Zelda series recently won the first ever hall of fame award at the Spike VGAs.  As unfortunate as it was the Miyamoto was not tea-bagged, it was an important moment for video game history.

After Zelda II, the sidescrolling sequel to the original Legend of Zelda, A Link to the Past went back to Zelda’s roots, giving gamers a newer look to the older top down perspective in gorgeous 16-bit color.  The story follows Link who is on a quest to save Zelda from the clutches of an evil king who seeks to free Ganon from his prison in an alternate dimension.

The Zelda franchise continues to wow gamers even after years of new Zelda games that aren’t much different content-wise.  The recent release of Skyward Sword hits that point home, gaining high ratings and claims that it is the best Zelda game to date.  Although that point is debatable, Zelda has a good formula, ranging from epic storytelling, to unique and fun gameplay.  Knowing Nintendo, we’ll have plenty more of these titles in the future.

Some people may call me gross, but I see myself as a productive contributor to society.  Think of all the hours that could have been wasted sitting on the throne, but instead, I made the most of that time and achieved a lot more than just bloodshot eyes and a Femoral hernia.  You’re welcome earth.


About Clint Kingsley

Clint is a gaming journalist for PSN ID: K-Train22

Posted on February 1, 2012, in IMHO and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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