Best Pre-Game Food and Why


Disclaimer: The semester has started and I have written 4 research papers. Excuse the blatant science mumbo-jumbo… It can’t be helped.

The weekend is finally here, the first week of the year is over, and there haven’t been any notable new releases to occupy your weekend. Take this time to catch up on some gaming you missed from last year… Or, if you’re a poor ass like me, games from 3 years ago that recently went on the $4.99 and up rack at GameStop.


We don’t discriminate here.

If you’re anything like me, proper nourishment is vital to a great gaming session. Hell, it’s a workout. The body is a crazy thing and reacts to stress the same way regardless of the situation, whether it be a crocodile running full speed (roughly 7 miles an hour) at you or the stresses of modern gaming. We call this the fight-or-flight response. Adrenaline increases, antidiuretics are released, and reproductive systems stop working normally, among other things – Not the best situation for your body to be in. It’s absolutely vital to provide your body with the things it needs in order to function normally.

1. The McHashy – 650 Calories

At 4am after a night of heavy drinking, the ever-famous drunchies (the uncontrollable need for food after drinking, for all the minors out there) kicked in and it was decided that McDonald’s was the only way to go. One sausage, bacon and cheese McGriddle and a stolen hash brown laid carefully across the sausage later and the McHashy was born. It’s a whole new aspect of salty to combat the sweet pancake and dance across your palette in a pas-du-deux with the syrup nuggets. It’s crucial to eat a carb and protein rich meal before engaging in such a lengthy excursion, because who wants to pause the game to eat something? Carbohydrates are humans’ primary source of energy and found on the surface of all the cells to protect them from monsters and also give them an identity. The most important carb in our body is glucose and, fortunately, the McHashy is packed full of them. It passes through the liver and is turned into glycogen and then broken down when needed – Right before you defeat a dragon, for instance.


Click to see it in all its glory

Did I mention it’s almost painfully delicious? Well worth the morning trip to McBitchen’s. Pick up three or four and eat them throughout the day. Eat about half an hour before sitting down for best results.

In the words of an avid McHasher, “It’s like a blowjob in your mouth.”

2. Matcha Tea ~ 3 Calories

Put down the Mountain Dew Code Red. That shit’s like drinking liquid fat and cancer. We need to cancel out the clogged arteries from the McHashy so we’re guaranteed to make it to the release of Doom 4. Drinking a bowl of Matcha tea is basically the best thing you could ever do for your body and make your gaming experience a million times better. Packed full of antioxidants and essential chemical compounds to improve reflexes and allow you to remain alert but calm at the same time. Nothing is worse than punching your girlfriend or throwing a controller out the window of your mother’s basement because of your increased adrenaline (thnx fite or flite, ur de best!) after losing for the 72nd time.


Snorting not recommended.

3. An Apple ~ 52 – 120 Calories

Apples contain no caffeine at all, but can have the same affect on your body as an energy drink or cup of coffee. Except better. The energy released by the apple’s carbohydrates give you more energy for a sustained length of time, compared to a Red Bull or cup of joe, without the nasty caffeine crash or jitters. We need our reflexes to be ON POINT.

Hell yes I do.

So, there ya go. Eat these three items before you bust out the good ol’ controller stick and prepare to destroy everything in your path.

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Posted on January 6, 2012, in IMHO, Tasty Stuff and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. It’s like a bj in your mouth.

  2. I had no idea on that bit about the apple! Amazing!
    As far as the McBJ, I’ll take two 🙂

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